TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it would have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And never the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are speaking Damascus, town historically noted for historical tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be huge. Huge!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed with the Placing environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. Several of the most effective. But now, we are setting up them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and entirely out of place. Built by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A a few-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour till the drone flies")




  • In addition to a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 a long time for potable drinking water. But yes, positive, let's have One more spot wherever American men can dress in robes and phone it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international plan analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace try considering the fact that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although earlier negotiations unsuccessful beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is simpler: present All people a collection to the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with paperwork posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is gentle energy," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock requirements much less diplomats and even more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every single unit. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest pointed out, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a war zone. It truly is that he need to prevent utilizing it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the challenge, replied, "You realize, man, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Good people. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the hotel's landscaping kinds a large Trump head seen from space, a aspect becoming promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents and the chin is… effectively, categorized.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits after discovering the creating's gold plating reflected a lot sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to a local melon cart.


"It really is not just unappealing. It is a war crime with curtains," reported Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Complicated Features


Perhaps the strangest ingredient on the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium wherever guests may possibly contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, full with local climate control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Regional Syrians are Not sure what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-year-aged Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing System: "For those who Bomb It, They may Arrive"


The advert campaign, not too long ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Eternally."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll performed within a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% explained "in which's the nearest elevator for the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Eventually, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is now attracting awareness from Global investors, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll acquire 3 penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional stage will also include:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area According to the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the revealing, Trump Tower Damascus person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot hold out to check out a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a hotel wherever my PTSD may have transform-down provider."


A further publish from @KuwaitiKardashian just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Studies advise:




  • China may possibly open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to develop a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Final Feelings from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It needed gold. It essential a waterslide formed like the Structure. I gave everything 3. You happen to be welcome."

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